Tuesday was my first day of school @ ITT. 1-5:30pm for Strategies for the Technical Professional... Looks like it's basically going to be a computer class... I think. lol Wednesdays I have two classes 8-11:30am is Nursing Roles 1... Which I absolutely love already! I teared up several times during class. lol Our instructor showed a couple of videos and I just felt such an overwhelming sense of pride that I will someday be a nurse too. It won't just be a dream, it'll be reality in just over two short years. I can't wait. My second class on Wednesday is Survey of the Sciences from 1-4:30pm... Basically it's just an intro to the sciences... We'll be touching on physics, chemistry, & biology... Maybe. lol Our instructor is a 70 year old man. He spent the entire class (except for our 20 minute break) talking... Not just about science though... He talked a lot about his kids and wife. lol He seems nice enough though... Just a little crazy. I think the hardest part this quarter for me will be the sitting. I am so not used to sitting for long periods of time. So there is the hour long drive to school, three and half hours of class, an hour and half lunch, another three and half hours of class, and then an hour drive home... For all that sitting I was completely exhausted! I'm hoping when it's not as hot out to spend my lunch break walking. Oh! Best part of school? My bff Heather is going with me! So I have a built in study buddy/car pool partner/lunch buddy/make fun of everyone else buddy! lol
Also just wanted to say a big CONGRATULATIONS to April & Derek Bement on finding out they're expecting a DAUGHTER! I am so happy for them. She posted the cutest video of their gender reveal party they had tonight. That baby girl is already so very loved and wanted! I absolutely loved the screams of JOY when she pulled the pink outfit of the bag.
Well, I've got babies in the morning so I'd better get off here. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Rambling, Crying Mess of A Post... LOL
I've been thinking a lot lately about wanting more children (I've always wanted at least 4). It's hard not to think about it when I know so many wonderful people who are having precious babies... Or have recently had precious babies. My sadness at not having all the babies I want so badly or even just one more sweet bundle of love is hard to hide at times. It doesn't change how very happy I am for all the people who are pregnant... Even if I have to grit my teeth or bite the insides of my cheeks not to start crying when I'm told... Or resist the temptation to throw my laptop across the room when I read it on facebook. I am happy and excited for them. But me being happy for other people getting something that I have hoped for, dreamed of, & wanted so desperately for the last 11 years doesn't take away the sadness of not getting it myself.
My greatest fear is that there is something wrong with me beyond just my weight that is preventing us from getting pregnant... That even with the weight I have lost so far (depending on what point I consider my start weight I've lost anywhere from 50-65lbs so far!) and the weight I plan to lose in the (hopefully near!) future maybe it won't be enough or maybe it won't "fix" things. The doctor thinks with weight loss it will balance things out and then we should have a better chance of getting pregnant (not to mention a healthier pregnancy). If that doesn't work there are always drugs to help and IVF... And if all else fails we could adopt. While I know we aren't technically trying right now... I need to focus on school... It's still hard. It still hurts. I constantly play the what if game... What if I can't get pregnant? What if we're unable to adopt for some weird reason? It makes me so sad. It also makes me sad that Blade won't get to grow up with siblings. I loved having my little brothers, even when I didn't always like them... lol. I feel so bad that Blade is missing out. I feel like I've failed him.
I've gotten upset and cried several times today. Some of it is due to lack of sleep I'm sure... We've been getting ready for a yard sale, which we had today. Exhausting! Then some of it was a conversation I had with my brother and parents about a couple that have 5 or 6 daughters and how all they've ever wanted is a son. I said I couldn't understand that because I would be thrilled if I had that many kids and boys or girls or a mix of the two wouldn't matter. I then said that if we end up adopting I'm sure we'll get at least 1 girl even though I'd be happy having just boys. Then my dad started saying the most stupid BS. I got mad and then I just started crying. I had to go hide in the bathroom to calm down. I know I probably overreacted... But those could be my future babies he was talking about... And even though I don't have them yet and I don't even know if we'll ever adopt it hurt so badly to hear someone talking about them that way. It's something I know I'll never forget hearing him say. Or hearing my mom & brother laugh about... I don't want them to ever hurt my sweet future babies by the stupid BS that might come out of their unthinking mouths. I don't want it said behind my back either but I know I can't control that... I guess that it just boils down to the whole lacking support & love from my family thing that I mentioned in my 1st blog.
I hope this isn't too terribly rambling. I hope this post makes sense for the most part. I also hope it doesn't make me sound completely insane... lol. I know getting upset at someone saying something about babies that may or may never exist is silly... But damn it those are my possible future babies!
I also want to thank my wonderful husband... He puts up with a lot from me. I'm whiny (like a 4 year old lol). I'm bitchy. I cry about silly things. I call him crying while he's trying to work to tell him about why I'm crying and then even though he's said all the right things, I ignore him & keep crying & then when he tries to reason with me I accuse him of being mean to me & get mad at him. Poor guy... lol. I'm so lucky he loves me. I hope someday to be the wife he deserves.
Oh one other thing...While I am a teensy bit jealous of all the new mommies and pregnant ladies, I am also so very, truly happy for them in having their sweet little bundles of love.
My greatest fear is that there is something wrong with me beyond just my weight that is preventing us from getting pregnant... That even with the weight I have lost so far (depending on what point I consider my start weight I've lost anywhere from 50-65lbs so far!) and the weight I plan to lose in the (hopefully near!) future maybe it won't be enough or maybe it won't "fix" things. The doctor thinks with weight loss it will balance things out and then we should have a better chance of getting pregnant (not to mention a healthier pregnancy). If that doesn't work there are always drugs to help and IVF... And if all else fails we could adopt. While I know we aren't technically trying right now... I need to focus on school... It's still hard. It still hurts. I constantly play the what if game... What if I can't get pregnant? What if we're unable to adopt for some weird reason? It makes me so sad. It also makes me sad that Blade won't get to grow up with siblings. I loved having my little brothers, even when I didn't always like them... lol. I feel so bad that Blade is missing out. I feel like I've failed him.
I've gotten upset and cried several times today. Some of it is due to lack of sleep I'm sure... We've been getting ready for a yard sale, which we had today. Exhausting! Then some of it was a conversation I had with my brother and parents about a couple that have 5 or 6 daughters and how all they've ever wanted is a son. I said I couldn't understand that because I would be thrilled if I had that many kids and boys or girls or a mix of the two wouldn't matter. I then said that if we end up adopting I'm sure we'll get at least 1 girl even though I'd be happy having just boys. Then my dad started saying the most stupid BS. I got mad and then I just started crying. I had to go hide in the bathroom to calm down. I know I probably overreacted... But those could be my future babies he was talking about... And even though I don't have them yet and I don't even know if we'll ever adopt it hurt so badly to hear someone talking about them that way. It's something I know I'll never forget hearing him say. Or hearing my mom & brother laugh about... I don't want them to ever hurt my sweet future babies by the stupid BS that might come out of their unthinking mouths. I don't want it said behind my back either but I know I can't control that... I guess that it just boils down to the whole lacking support & love from my family thing that I mentioned in my 1st blog.
I hope this isn't too terribly rambling. I hope this post makes sense for the most part. I also hope it doesn't make me sound completely insane... lol. I know getting upset at someone saying something about babies that may or may never exist is silly... But damn it those are my possible future babies!
I also want to thank my wonderful husband... He puts up with a lot from me. I'm whiny (like a 4 year old lol). I'm bitchy. I cry about silly things. I call him crying while he's trying to work to tell him about why I'm crying and then even though he's said all the right things, I ignore him & keep crying & then when he tries to reason with me I accuse him of being mean to me & get mad at him. Poor guy... lol. I'm so lucky he loves me. I hope someday to be the wife he deserves.
Oh one other thing...While I am a teensy bit jealous of all the new mommies and pregnant ladies, I am also so very, truly happy for them in having their sweet little bundles of love.
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