Proud Parent of A Jr. High Student

I can't believe my baby is in Jr. High! How did this happen? Where has the time gone? I look at him and still the sweet little curly blond haired toddler.

He was so excited this morning. I was so nervous. I kept reminding him of all the things he needs to remember to do... His locker number, combination, schedule, lunch money, snack for after school on the way to the football field, who's picking him up after practice, what to leave in the locker room and what to bring home... lol. I just want him to be prepared. He acted like I was nuts. He was so cute... Showered, dressed, and ready to go at 7am lol. When it finally time to leave he  posed for a few pics... Only because he was ready to leave and kept telling me we were wasting time. When we got to the school I was trying not to cry and he couldn't wait to get out of the Jeep. I watched him walk in and couldn't stop crying. I just feel like I'm running out of time to spend with him. I want my baby back!

Quick Little Update

Just a quick little update.

School is going great! I am doing well in all of my classes so far. The only downside is the hour drive there and back and just feeling so far from home on school days. I am always so happy to be back home with my guys!

My brother and Audrey's wedding is just two weeks away! I am so excited. I got my dress (finally!) a couple weeks ago. I love it! I was so worried it wouldn't fit or it wouldn't look right but it fits and Matt has reassured me (several times) that it looks good. Yay. I still need to get shoes but I know exactly what I'm getting and where I'm getting them from so I'm not too worried about it. I can't wait to see Blade in a tux! How adorable will that be? Not to mention seeing Clayton in his tux and Callie & Lexie in their dresses!

Blade started football conditioning last week. The first few days were really hard and I think he wanted to quit. But I reminded him that once we start something we have to see it through. By Thursday he wasn't complaining of being sore and was so excited to be dropped off. I am so glad he has found a sport that he enjoys! I can't wait to go watch him play this fall. I know Matthew is just as excited as I am and just as proud.

The only thing not so great right now is my lack of a job. I've been looking for a part-time job for the last month or so and just can't seem to find anything. Or I guess a better way to say that would be that I can't find anything that will work for me. I can't work on Tuesdays or Wednesdays because of school and I had really hoped to be able to find something that I could be off on Sundays as well. Especially since that is the only day Matt has off. I need to be able to spend time with my family. I guess maybe I'm being too picky and I'm going to have to be willing to work evenings and weekends if I don't find something soon. Boo. I want to be home with my family at night and on Sundays. Just Boo. lol

Well, B is sitting here telling me how munchy he is so before he decides he has the rummblies in his tummy for hands I had better get off here and fix him a snack. (I love llamas with hats!)

Later Taters!

First Week of Nursing School

Tuesday was my first day of school @ ITT. 1-5:30pm for Strategies for the Technical Professional... Looks like it's basically going to be a computer class... I think. lol Wednesdays I have two classes 8-11:30am is Nursing Roles 1... Which I absolutely love already! I teared up several times during class. lol Our instructor showed a couple of videos and I just felt such an overwhelming sense of pride that I will someday be a nurse too. It won't just be a dream, it'll be reality in just over two short years. I can't wait. My second class on Wednesday is Survey of the Sciences from 1-4:30pm... Basically it's just an intro to the sciences... We'll be touching on physics, chemistry, & biology... Maybe. lol Our instructor is a 70 year old man. He spent the entire class (except for our 20 minute break) talking... Not just about science though... He talked a lot about his kids and wife. lol He seems nice enough though... Just a little crazy. I think the hardest part this quarter for me will be the sitting. I am so not used to sitting for long periods of time. So there is the hour long drive to school, three and half hours of class, an hour and half lunch, another three and half hours of class, and then an hour drive home... For all that sitting I was completely exhausted! I'm hoping when it's not as hot out to spend my lunch break walking. Oh! Best part of school? My bff Heather is going with me! So I have a built in study buddy/car pool partner/lunch buddy/make fun of everyone else buddy! lol

Also just wanted to say a big CONGRATULATIONS to April & Derek Bement on finding out they're expecting a DAUGHTER! I am so happy for them. She posted the cutest video of their gender reveal party they had tonight. That baby girl is already so very loved and wanted! I absolutely loved the screams of JOY when she pulled the pink outfit of the bag.

Well, I've got babies in the morning so I'd better get off here. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Rambling, Crying Mess of A Post... LOL

I've been thinking a lot lately about wanting more children (I've always wanted at least 4). It's hard not to think about it when I know so many wonderful people who are having precious babies... Or have recently had precious babies. My sadness at not having all the babies I want so badly or even just one more sweet bundle of love is hard to hide at times. It doesn't change how very happy I am for all the people who are pregnant... Even if I have to grit my teeth or bite the insides of my cheeks not to start crying when I'm told... Or resist the temptation to throw my laptop across the room when I read it on facebook. I am happy and excited for them. But me being happy for other people getting something that I have hoped for, dreamed of, & wanted so desperately for the last 11 years doesn't take away the sadness of not getting it myself.

My greatest fear is that there is something wrong with me beyond just my weight that is preventing us from getting pregnant... That even with the weight I have lost so far (depending on what point I consider my start weight I've lost anywhere from 50-65lbs so far!) and the weight I plan to lose in the (hopefully near!) future maybe it won't be enough or maybe it won't "fix" things. The doctor thinks with weight loss it will balance things out and then we should have a better chance of getting pregnant (not to mention a healthier pregnancy). If that doesn't work there are always drugs to help and IVF... And if all else fails we could adopt. While I know we aren't technically trying right now... I need to focus on school... It's still hard. It still hurts. I constantly play the what if game... What if I can't get pregnant? What if we're unable to adopt for some weird reason? It makes me so sad. It also makes me sad that Blade won't get to grow up with siblings. I loved having my little brothers, even when I didn't always like them... lol. I feel so bad that Blade is missing out. I feel like I've failed him.

I've gotten upset and cried several times today. Some of it is due to lack of sleep I'm sure... We've been getting ready for a yard sale, which we had today. Exhausting! Then some of it was a conversation I had with my brother and parents about a couple that have 5 or 6 daughters and how all they've ever wanted is a son. I said I couldn't understand that because I would be thrilled if I had that many kids and boys or girls or a mix of the two wouldn't matter. I then said that if we end up adopting I'm sure we'll get at least 1 girl even though I'd be happy having just boys. Then my dad started saying the most stupid BS. I got mad and then I just started crying. I had to go hide in the bathroom to calm down. I know I probably overreacted... But those could be my future babies he was talking about... And even though I don't have them yet and I don't even know if we'll ever adopt it hurt so badly to hear someone talking about them that way. It's something I know I'll never forget hearing him say. Or hearing my mom & brother laugh about... I don't want them to ever hurt my sweet future babies by the stupid BS that might come out of their unthinking mouths. I don't want it said behind my back either but I know I can't control that... I guess that it just boils down to the whole lacking support & love from my family thing that I mentioned in my 1st blog.

I hope this isn't too terribly rambling. I hope this post makes sense for the most part. I also hope it doesn't make me sound completely insane... lol. I know getting upset at someone saying something about babies that may or may never exist is silly... But damn it those are my possible future babies!

I also want to thank my wonderful husband... He puts up with a lot from me. I'm whiny (like a 4 year old lol). I'm bitchy. I cry about silly things. I call him crying while he's trying to work to tell him about why I'm crying and then even though he's said all the right things, I ignore him & keep crying & then when he tries to reason with me I accuse him of being mean to me & get mad at him. Poor guy... lol. I'm so lucky he loves me. I hope someday to be the wife he deserves.

Oh one other thing...While I am a teensy bit jealous of all the new mommies and pregnant ladies, I am also so very, truly happy for them in having their sweet little bundles of love.

Random Thoughts

 I want to blog. I want to write about all my problems... Both real and imagined. I want to get everything out of my head and out in the open where I can poke it with a stick if I choose to.

The problem is I don't know where to begin. I've already written and deleted 3 different blogs tonight. They either seemed too whiny or too fake or too angry.

So I guess I'll just start and see where I end up...

I am so excited about starting Nursing School next month. It's going to be awesome going with a friend. Hopefully, we can motivate each other and with a study buddy I can get awesome grades!

In order to go to school in Evansville I need to get a job to help pay for gas, my Jeep payments, and upkeep on the Jeep. Right now I am babysitting my niece and nephew but that is only for a few more weeks. So I need to find something more permanent. But the thought of working (even just part-time) and going to school scares me. If I'm working and going to school when am I going to have time to see Blade and Matt? When will I have time to for housework? Who will fix dinner? Where is Blade going to be while I'm at school and work? What if I can't juggle school work, finding time for my guys, and housework?

Will I ever have a decent relationship with my parents again? I worry about this all the time. It seems like since Blade & I moved back in with Matt after being apart for 4 1/2 years my parents have been distant. I used to call my mom to do stuff all the time but after always having her say no I finally stopped. So now we rarely see each other. They used to keep Blade every other weekend but they haven't done that in months. Holidays have been awkward as well. My Dad didn't even come to Blade's graduation... I'm unsure if it was because of me or Blade. My parents spend a lot of time with my brother, his fiance, and their kids and my other brother and his daughter... But we never seem to be invited to do things with any of them. It hurts to always be left out.

Weight loss... Ugh. I do so well for a little while and then I struggle. I am struggling now. I want everything I shouldn't have (cake, cookies, candy, fried everything) and I don't want the things I should be having (water, veggies, fruits, lean meat). I don't feel like exercising at all. I had been doing the elliptical most days of the week for 30-45 minutes. Now I never seem to have the time or energy. But I know that's just an excuse.

Sleep. I need sleep. But I can't seem to sleep. I'm up until at least midnight every night and for the last few weeks I've been waking up every hour or waking up around 3am and not going back to sleep even though I try.

Loneliness... I have friends I rarely talk to anymore and I miss them. I have a few people I text or fb regularly but I guess I need more...

Well, Matt's going to bed so I guess I will too. I'm sure I'll ramble some more soon. Hope this wasn't too terribly boring.